He reeks of desperation…and MS Paint

I dont want to be Alone during the winter – m4w – 20
hi this is a real post i posted several times before with no luck of finding a ladie to chill with and just have some adult time togather, ITcan be a NSA thing or attachment I dont care. THe only thing that I ask for is please be DD free and STD free. Any age or race is fine with me. well here is a lil about me im 5’11 and 215lbs athletic football player build, mixed black rican and white, enjoy working out , playing sports, watching movies, partying , anything fun. I work alot and if you wana know more maybe we can exchange numbers and talk more.

The title of this young man’s post caught my eye. I thought it was a potential goldmine for desperate pleas for companionship (and sex) from a man who wanted comfort (and sex) during a lonely time (lonely…for sex!). But really, spelling and grammar aside, it’s pretty innocuous.

Then I saw the picture. Again, normally this statement is followed by a picture of a beer gut and penis the size of a half pack of Rolaids. But the truth is, he’s rather…well…hot. However, his bid for anonymity? Not so much. Let’s take a peek, shall we?

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It almost seems like a crime for him to have taken such a nice tummy picture and done that to it. I mean, really?? It took me a few seconds to figure out why in the hell he put white slashes in seemingly random places, until it occurred to me…tattoos! But in such a low rez image, are we really going to be able to make out what his smallish tattoos look like? Are they that distinctive? Are we talking about Road Runner doing Wily E. Coyote here, or are we talking eagles carrying swastikas?
And was cropping the photo normally too hard? What was in the room surrounding him? His last victims? His Miley Cyrus albums? What?? Not to mention the fact that cropping would have removed the need for him to draw one of Winnie the Pooh’s little black rain clouds on his face.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he wasn’t going for tattoo removal and anonymity at all. Maybe he just wanted to make a wonky-eyed smiley face and forgot the mouth. That must be it!!

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See? Much better.

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Does he share an office with the sex orthodontist?

oral surgeon for hire
oral surgeon willing to make free house calls for (young) , pretty ,clean, horny ladies
let me work on ur hot bothered spot no insurance or copay needed

I’ll admit it, I’ve fantasized about my primary care doctor in the past. As a kid, I even had a crush on my dentist (he had really pretty eyes). But, despite probably being a very attractive man, I could in no way eroticize the man who took out my wisdom teeth. Oral surgeons are second only to proctologists in the category of Least Sexy Medical Profession. This is not to say that oral surgeons and proctologists cannot be sexy people, but they do not happen to practice forms of medicine that inspire vaginal moisture. (BTW, Wikipedia has informed me that the PC term for a proctologist these days is “colorectal surgeon.” That really doesn’t help the un-sexy)

So that brings us to the ad above. I can’t tell if this guy is genuinely trying to use his profession to get laid, or if he’s trying to imply that he will perform oral in a skillful, perhaps even surgical (?), manner. Either way, I don’t think he realizes that it mostly sounds like he’s offering in-home extraction of the impacted teeth of sexy (young!) things.

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Caps lock is cruise control for cool

FILL THAT SEXUAL VOID – m4w
JUST LOOKING FOR A LADY THAT IS OPEN AND FUN . LOVES SEX AND ENJOYS LETTING A MAN SPOIL HER IN BED ,OR ON MY BIKE, OR MY DESK OR ANYWHERE WE WANT TO . SO HERE IS THE FACTS MYSELF 48 MALE MARRIED LOOKING FOR A LADY TO SPOIL AND PAMPER SEXUALLY. NOT LOOKING TO CHAGE MY LIFE AT HOME BUT TO FIL A VOID I AM HAVING . D/D FREE 5 6 190 SELF EMPLOYED STRAIGHT HONEST FUN OPEN CAN HOST OR TRAVEL AGE RACE NOT IMPORTANT JUST NO MIND GAMES. WILL TRADE PICS WITH PIC . MUST BE DISCRET

Nothing like the text-based equivalent of shouting to catch a girl’s eye. And then make said eye bleed.

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Dave’s not here, man

CAN I LIVE – m4w – 32

Ready to get it n !! Dont want nothing but new pussy tonight so if u want a night to remember with out gettin hooked on the D THEN HIT ME AND LESS PLAY!!! This is my first post but i do play just not updated on this but i got some pipe to lay so cum get buried!!

The Green Eyed Bandit!!

o_O?????

All other tips aside, it probably helps if your post is legible. I understand that some people like to combine drugs and sex (as evidence by the number of oh-so-subtle “420” ads), but perhaps you should refrain from partaking until after you make your post.

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Wow…just wow

Someone put a lot of effort into this little fantasy life he’s composed for himself!  Obviously, there are people out there who do live  this life, but the second I saw the line, ‘This recession means nothing to me,” I realized we were participating in opposite day.  In other words, he’s unemployed, miserably married with bratty, ugly children, and can’t get his wife, let alone a stranger, to sleep with him.  This is what he spends his lonely days dreaming about.

Confessions of a Married Man

I’m marred. I cheat. I lie. I have a wife. 3 kids. A home in an affluent suburb with a pool. I am in my mid 30’s This recession means nothing to me.

I will admit, that I am insanely attractive. Great with words, and convincing beyond belief. I get away with shit that others just can’t. It’s true.

I meet women on dating boards. Or on the train. We flirt. And I lie. I say that I am single. Not married. In certain cases. No children. And, that I’ve just moved back into the area. Depending on the woman, I’ll divulge whether or not I have kids. If she’s younger (in her 20’s. Between the ages of 21 and 28…I have no kids). Older. I have AT LEAST one kid. It’s important that the woman know that I have obligations (kids). It also means that they can’t come to my “home” because I have a sitter there and it wouldn’t be cool to have women in front of my babies. The younger one’s just want a good date. I’ve slept with 95 % of the women I’ve met on the first 2 dates. By the time we get to the whole “when am I going to your place” conversation. I’ve left enough semen in them to populate Keenyville, Illinois. And when they press too much. I leave. I just don’t answer my phone or e-mails. Gone.

Them “Was it something I did wrong?”

Me: “No, you sweet little Big 10 graduate – now HR/ PR/ Legal professional. You did nothing wrong. You see. I’m ain’t shit. Plus, you can’t see where I live because my wife and children live there. Where will you sleep?”

Is what I want to say.

At home. Life is good. My wife puts out. She’s smoking hot. Not working right now, but it’s o.k. She’s happy finding projects and shit for me to do over the weekends. Including finding contractors for a room addition. My children are gorgeous, and will manipulate people all of their lives. If your children are ugly, and you know if you’re child is ugly….I hope they get good grades. It’s a cold world out there, and the pretty people wear minks. My kids are the shit.

Anyway, I can get out on the weekends when I want, but I don’t. Women stick with me because I am not accessible as some of your mopes who whine and cling to your women like stinky panty liners. You bitches. I give them room. Because I have to. But to them it also means that I am independent. I usually lose the majority of my women because they get tired of me not being around.

I’m only romantic when I’m with them. So hardly any text, IM’s or phone calls. I’m clear about that from the beginning.

Fellas. You can have your cake and eat it too. Don’t let these bitter chicks have you think that there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with you. You are a man. Men like to fuck. And we will fuck. I’ve changed the rules a bit. But, I’m dedicated to my family. That’s it. Everything else is a bonus.

Occasionally, I fuck younger chicks in my office. They know my scene, and like the “suburban” daddy look. I fuck mainly younger women who live downtown, or in LP. I’ve even had my face posted on dating sites just to avoid any suspicious inquiries. After all, “what married guy would put his entire profile on a dating site for the world to see…?”. Me. That’s who. Only in spurts however. And only when I am specifically targeting a type of woman.

I also seek chicks who live in farther locations like Antioch, Oswego, Plainfield, Milwaukee, Carpentersville, Aurora. These are fucking sessions that will most certainly happen. And there are some smoking hot young MILF’s out in the sticks. Some of the chicks I’ve boned should be modeling. Or at least fucking an NFL star. The deal here is that they don’t want to come to the city, and would prefer that you hang around them and their people until we all get drunk. I fuck these women within hours of meeting100 % of the time. Their kids are always with dad. So I can stay the whole night. Well into the next evening. And I fuck them over and over and over again. After all, “what married guy can stay out the whole night?” Me. That’s who. Especially if wifey is enjoying a girls night out and the kids are at the grandparents. You might be thinking….”she’s fucking someone else. Serves him right”

My answer to that simple minded though process is : So! She’s smart and respectful enough to keep it away from me. We still fuck like rabbits, and are kids smell great.

I fucked an 18 year old who was taking the Metra with me a few weeks ago. Our first date was at Great America. We stayed out there. Fucked an entire night. We’re doing it again in two weeks. Maybe we’ll see you there. Here’s what we look like.

She: 18. Perfect body. Perfect teeth. Pretty feet.
Me: A fucking Adonis.

Say hi when you see us, o.k.?

Anyway, I only go out when my wife goes out. Or, if I drop the kids off at my parents so she (the wifey) can have a breather. She’s my top priority. If she wants to hang…we will. If not. I’m going to get irresponsible with my dick.

Unless, you know for a fact that you are going to get caught, I’d lie my ass off. You’re all ready cheating. There is no additional honor in being honest about your marital status. I cheat. I lie. I fuck. I’m happy. I’ve done it for 6 years. You’d better come get some.

***PS…Laides…..if you are getting pissed about what you’ve read, don’t be. Just do your homework. I get away with shit because you think like men. You think with your tingle spot. If you weren’t absorbed with my looks, and a perception that I’ve catered to fit your needs, I wouldn’t have half the success I enjoy. But I wink at you. Tell you what you want to hear, because you aren’t listening to what your instincts are telling you. Yes. I am that good, but I’m no Whoodini. I just play one on t.v. And my dick is magical. I put the “penis” in “happiness”.

But you won’t head my words. And there is a good chance that I’ll be fucking you, and leaving you hanging as I’ve done to countless women all over the Midwest for years.

Want to share thoughts? Fine. If you’re hot and want me to fuck you into mindless babble….”shee-mah-nah….shee-mah-nah…..hexi-groove….jopple….deer…” I can do that too.

Too the ladies I’ve shat on……I’m sure you’re over it by now.

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I’ll bet he plays the skin flute

lets have a wild sexction

do you like to have a wild sexual section with a capable male then respond.

Ahh, how fondly I remember my days with the New York Philharmonic.  The lilting sounds of the flute section, the dulcet tones of the french horn section, the delicate strains of the violin section.  And who can forget the sweaty grunts of the wild sexual section?

Honestly, I have no idea what this guy was going for here.  Maybe “sexual session?”  Though that still doesn’t explain the bizarre word mash-up in the post’s title.

I’d also like to point out that while every woman would like her lover to be “capable,” it’s hardly a ringing endorsement.  His capability for achieving and maintaining an erection are not in question here.  The likelihood of copulation, on the other hand, is completely debatable.

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I’d like to buy a vowel, Pat

Looking for a naughty girl
I am a 39 yrs old male in town on business looking to hook up tonight with a nice lady that is looking for nothing but a good time. My ideal tonight would be to have you come over to my hotel, let me caress your feet, massage your back and if things progress, let me go down on you until you c_m. I absolutely love making a women c_m while eating her pu__y. I am real and in need of a women to allow me that pleasure. I am not looking for anything from you. Just me on you! This is why I am trying craigslist. I am not a crazy just to busy to go to bars, or try and pick up a women. Please give me a try and if we hit it off, we can do this more often?

Some posters are coy with their language, some are just out and out crude, most are non-sensical. With only text to go off of, you’re forced to draw conclusions based on word choice. The coy fellow is probably looking for sensual sex. The crude one wants it hard and fast. But what conclusions can you draw from this poster? He uses the crude vocabulary while coyly employing hangman-esque underscores that remind me of that religious friend you have in high school that always says “H-E-double hockey sticks.” As if fully spelling a naughty word has magical evil powers.
I hope he finds his naughty girl, and she spanks him while making him write “pussy cum” over and over again until he grows the H-E-double hockey sticks up.

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