hi im looking to play tonite quick is fine i will compensate u for ur time just send pics how much ur looking for we can meet some where have some quick fun and go are own ways .
Now, I won’t pretend that pay-for-play never happens on Craigslist. Even outside of the Adult Gigs and Adult Services sections (the first recruits escorts, the second advertises them), plenty of guys offer up “roses” or define themselves as “Generou$” on the Casual Encounters list as well (because the cops will never catch on, right?). I typically skim past them, because a) I’m not a hooker and b) they’re generally not all that funny. But I had to check this one out. It took actually reading this ode to Txt to figure out that this guy was not, in fact, offering US$4 for intercourse.
While this blog is generally about the myriad of ways men fail to get women to sleep with them for free, I have to say, if I were a member of the world’s oldest profession, this guy’s apparent offer of less than a Lincoln for a quickie would make the “50 rose$” ads suddenly a lot more appealling.
I have a habit of reading Craigslist ads before I go out on a Saturday night and then when I come home for the night. I do this because it’s always so amusing to watch the posts go from “I want a 6’2.5″ tall Asian woman with blue eyes and a third nipple to peg me with a strap on,” and “I am a sex god, so only Angelina Jolie look-alikes need apply” to “Please? Anybody? I’ll do anything that moves!”
But this stalwart gentleman knows what he wants, and far be it from him to follow the pattern of desperation to which his compatriots have succumbed:
Looking for a close match of this…
Hi – can you come close to meeting one of my fantasy girls?
Me: Cacasian, average looks (bald), little extra weight (6’1″/230), non-smoker, drug and disease free.
You: real and serious (I know not many on here can comply with those requirements).
Besides atrocious spelling and grammar, nothing really stands out about this heavy-set bald man posting on Craigslist on a Saturday night. Until you scroll down to find the pictures he has attached representing the “close match” he is hoping to find.
I wonder if he realizes that, by sitting at his computer, he is already as close as he will ever come to girls that look like that. If he had posted pictures of actresses or pornstars, that would have been one thing. But it’s almost sad to think of this self-confessed pud of a man sitting there waiting for responses from anatomically impossible women who only exist in the fantasies of horny Japanese cartoonists. I almost feel bad for him. Almost.
EDIT: I am following through on a suggestion to include my response to someone who felt my assessment of this man’s physical features was a bit harsh:
Well first off, I’m more interested in how this man presented himself than how I would perceive him. I have a partner who could, if he chose to, probably describe himself in the same way this man did. But why would he? I’m not saying that he should have lied about himself, but it almost seemed as if he felt that he shouldn’t even have to put in the effort of making himself sound good. Real-life versions of anime women should just be falling out of the sky and directly on to his penis without him even having to think up a more flattering way to describe his body type.
Secondly, while I sympathize with men who feel they are rejected for their weight, it’s hard to feel too bad when we live in a society where a man can put on a few pounds and still be socially acceptable, but where people lose their collective minds about how fat Jessica Simpson looks in these pictures.
Now, I understand fetishes, believe me I do. I have a few myself, some of which probably fall into the realm of the utterly ridiculous. But that doesn’t mean I can’t find the bizarre things that turn other people on hilarious!!
Since these are short and sweet, I’m just going to group them together. I can’t add too much, since they mostly speak for themselves.
Mohair/Wool Fetish
I am a handsome, fit male looking to meet a special lady that shares my lustful passion for things soft & fuzzy, mohair and wool sweateras. If this is you, drop me a line and let’s get wild.
Totally kosher
I’d like to tie you to the bed, blindfold you, and force you to eat a pickle (your choice of brand or variety)
I think I’m being reasonable here. Looking for a woman, ddf, around my age, for an NSA encounter for tonight.
Just two conditions:
1. You will address me as “Professor Fuck.”
2. If you laugh while doing so, I will cum in your mouth.
HOT HUNG AND HANDSOME BRITISH GUY HOSTING TODAY – m4w – 31
Hey there – looking for a quick, safe, mindblowing encounter with a nice, considerate but hot and hung guy tonight? To be blunt: how would you like a toe-curling, pillow-biting, duvet-clawing, eye-rolling, reality-negating huge, massive and serial orgasms delivered by the most orally talented guy you’re ever likely to meet?
Need someone who can host in a very pleasant upscale neighbourhood – not a beercan-strewn crappy apartment in the boonies? [willnotgetyoulaid edit: Cut some boring details from the end]
Post #2, timestamped 2 minutes later:
THIS is what turns ME on…how about YOU? – m4w – 30
[willnotgetyoulaid edit: I have deleted his long, boring list of things that turn him on to get to the meat and potatoes] …now, what turns you on?
I’ll deliver the most earth-shattering, toe-curling, mindblowing, scream inducing, thigh-quivering, bedsheet-clawing, head-thrown-back howling, eyes-rolled-back-before-passing-out-effecting, shivers-down-your-spine-creating, most massive, most complete and most amazing orgasm you’ve ever had.
And I know how to do it. Make this a sunny Saturday to remember.
I’m 30, British, handsome, well groomed, 5’11, D/D free, groomed, clean-cut and muscular build… tell me what you’d like to do…
Post #3, timestamped 27 minutes after #2:
Let me show you a whole new meaning of the word orgasm – m4w – 29
OK, so first of all, let me assure you – everything I’m saying here is the absolute truth. If I have a fetish, it’s watching women cum very very strongly indeed. It gives me a buzz and a hit like nothing else.
To be blunt, how would you like a toe-curling, pillow-biting, duvet-clawing, eye-rolling, reality-negating huge, massive and serial orgasms delivered by the most orally talented guy you’re ever likely to meet?
I can host in a very nice, pleasant home in an upscale neighborhood, where you’ll be greeted by a good-looking, fit and attractive, non-smoking, friendly and kind guy will greet you and fulfill your every need. Really! Or, being a gentleman, I can come to you.
I’m 5’11, 175lbs, D/D free (tested for visa travel recently), upscale, handsome.
OK…am I the only one who sees the similarities here? Unless there are 3 British men in their early 30′s living in the same American city who all share an affection for overusing hyphens when describing orgasms posting on Craigslist within minutes of each others, I’m going to have to say this is the same person (actually, I know he is, since he posts on CL almost daily, always multiple times).
I admire his cleverness in changing his age between the three posts. Obviously, the women reading these are all idiots, so they would never notice the fact that this guy is desperate enough to post three times in less than a half hour, and then try to cover it up by changing his age. I’m pretty sure that he has posted even more times in that timeframe, there there are more posts from the same location, from a guy in his early 30′s (but never the same age) that share certain similarities.
Oh, and if you never saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, first off, GOOD. You saved yourself 3 boring (but pretty) hours. But here’s the trailor, so you get the idea:
I know you aren’t responsible for what happened in the former Yugoslavia, but don’t you feel a little bad about it anyway?
A little guilty?
A little naughty?
Call me up and I’ll give you what you have coming to you.
Yebem te u pichku.
In general, I like it when guys on CL are specific about what they’re looking for. But there’s specific and then there’s this guy. On a website where your chances of getting a real, live woman to read your ad are slim, your chances of getting a real, live, Serbian woman who is turned on by genocidal guilt are quite likely nil.
For the record, Yebem te u pichku means, “I fuck you in the cunt” in Serbian. Classy.
And I find it a little disturbing that the Serbian word for “cunt” looks so much like Pikachu.
Edit to update: A few hours later this was posted. Think it’s the same guy?
More riots in Iran?
I still can’t figure out what’s up but I really believe that the election results were rigged. Too many suspicious coincidences. Like how fast those results came out. You can’t trust that.
So if you’re a Persian girl who’s torn up and needs some consolation, let me know. We could take your mind off of things tonight.
(I will say that the fact that he refers to Persian girls, when many Americans would not know that terminology makes me suspicious…bart_calendar?)
