Will Not Get You Laid

Someone put a lot of effort into this little fantasy life he’s composed for himself!  Obviously, there are people out there who do live  this life, but the second I saw the line, ‘This recession means nothing to me,” I realized we were participating in opposite day.  In other words, he’s unemployed, miserably married with bratty, ugly children, and can’t get his wife, let alone a stranger, to sleep with him.  This is what he spends his lonely days dreaming about.

Confessions of a Married Man

I’m marred. I cheat. I lie. I have a wife. 3 kids. A home in an affluent suburb with a pool. I am in my mid 30′s This recession means nothing to me.

Too the ladies I’ve shat on……I’m sure you’re over it by now.

lets have a wild sexction

do you like to have a wild sexual section with a capable male then respond.

Ahh, how fondly I remember my days with the New York Philharmonic.  The lilting sounds of the flute section, the dulcet tones of the french horn section, the delicate strains of the violin section.  And who can forget the sweaty grunts of the wild sexual section?

Honestly, I have no idea what this guy was going for here.  Maybe “sexual session?”  Though that still doesn’t explain the bizarre word mash-up in the post’s title.

I’d also like to point out that while every woman would like her lover to be “capable,” it’s hardly a ringing endorsement.  His capability for achieving and maintaining an erection are not in question here.  The likelihood of copulation, on the other hand, is completely debatable.

Looking for a naughty girl
I am a 39 yrs old male in town on business looking to hook up tonight with a nice lady that is looking for nothing but a good time. My ideal tonight would be to have you come over to my hotel, let me caress your feet, massage your back and if things progress, let me go down on you until you c_m. I absolutely love making a women c_m while eating her pu__y. I am real and in need of a women to allow me that pleasure. I am not looking for anything from you. Just me on you! This is why I am trying craigslist. I am not a crazy just to busy to go to bars, or try and pick up a women. Please give me a try and if we hit it off, we can do this more often?

Some posters are coy with their language, some are just out and out crude, most are non-sensical. With only text to go off of, you’re forced to draw conclusions based on word choice. The coy fellow is probably looking for sensual sex. The crude one wants it hard and fast. But what conclusions can you draw from this poster? He uses the crude vocabulary while coyly employing hangman-esque underscores that remind me of that religious friend you have in high school that always says “H-E-double hockey sticks.” As if fully spelling a naughty word has magical evil powers.
I hope he finds his naughty girl, and she spanks him while making him write “pussy cum” over and over again until he grows the H-E-double hockey sticks up.

Lookingto play will pay $ 4 your time

hi im looking to play tonite quick is fine i will compensate u for ur time just send pics how much ur looking for we can meet some where have some quick fun and go are own ways .

Now, I won’t pretend that pay-for-play never happens on Craigslist.  Even outside of the Adult Gigs and Adult Services sections (the first recruits escorts, the second advertises them), plenty of guys offer up “roses” or define themselves as “Generou$” on the Casual Encounters list as well (because the cops will never catch on, right?).  I typically skim past them, because a) I’m not a hooker and b) they’re generally not all that funny.  But I had to check this one out.  It took actually reading this ode to Txt to figure out that this guy was not, in fact, offering US$4 for intercourse.

While this blog is generally about the myriad of ways men fail to get women to sleep with them for free, I have to say, if I were a member of the world’s oldest profession, this guy’s apparent offer of less than a Lincoln for a quickie would make the “50 rose$” ads suddenly a lot more appealling.

Post #1:

HOT HUNG AND HANDSOME BRITISH GUY HOSTING TODAY – m4w – 31

Hey there – looking for a quick, safe, mindblowing encounter with a nice, considerate but hot and hung guy tonight? To be blunt: how would you like a toe-curling, pillow-biting, duvet-clawing, eye-rolling, reality-negating huge, massive and serial orgasms delivered by the most orally talented guy you’re ever likely to meet?

Need someone who can host in a very pleasant upscale neighbourhood – not a beercan-strewn crappy apartment in the boonies?
[willnotgetyoulaid edit: Cut some boring details from the end]

Post #2, timestamped 2 minutes later:

THIS is what turns ME on…how about YOU? – m4w – 30

[willnotgetyoulaid edit: I have deleted his long, boring list of things that turn him on to get to the meat and potatoes]
…now, what turns you on?

I’ll deliver the most earth-shattering, toe-curling, mindblowing, scream inducing, thigh-quivering, bedsheet-clawing, head-thrown-back howling, eyes-rolled-back-before-passing-out-effecting, shivers-down-your-spine-creating, most massive, most complete and most amazing orgasm you’ve ever had.

And I know how to do it. Make this a sunny Saturday to remember.

I’m 30, British, handsome, well groomed, 5’11, D/D free, groomed, clean-cut and muscular build… tell me what you’d like to do…
Post #3, timestamped 27 minutes after #2:

Let me show you a whole new meaning of the word orgasm – m4w – 29

OK, so first of all, let me assure you – everything I’m saying here is the absolute truth. If I have a fetish, it’s watching women cum very very strongly indeed. It gives me a buzz and a hit like nothing else.

To be blunt, how would you like a toe-curling, pillow-biting, duvet-clawing, eye-rolling, reality-negating huge, massive and serial orgasms delivered by the most orally talented guy you’re ever likely to meet?

I can host in a very nice, pleasant home in an upscale neighborhood, where you’ll be greeted by a good-looking, fit and attractive, non-smoking, friendly and kind guy will greet you and fulfill your every need. Really! Or, being a gentleman, I can come to you.

I’m 5’11, 175lbs, D/D free (tested for visa travel recently), upscale, handsome.

OK…am I the only one who sees the similarities here?  Unless there are 3 British men in their early 30′s living in the same American city who all share an affection for overusing hyphens when describing orgasms posting on Craigslist within minutes of each others, I’m going to have to say this is the same person (actually, I know he is, since he posts on CL almost daily, always multiple times).

I admire his cleverness in changing his age between the three posts.  Obviously, the women reading these are all idiots, so they would never notice the fact that this guy is desperate enough to post three times in less than a half hour, and then try to cover it up by changing his age.  I’m pretty sure that he has posted even more times in that timeframe, there there are more posts from the same location, from a guy in his early 30′s (but never the same age) that share certain similarities.

Oh, and if you never saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, first off, GOOD.  You saved yourself 3 boring (but pretty) hours.  But here’s the trailor, so you get the idea:

Lonely?  Serbian?

I know you aren’t responsible for what happened in the former Yugoslavia, but don’t you feel a little bad about it anyway?

A little guilty?

A little naughty?

Call me up and I’ll give you what you have coming to you.

Yebem te u pichku.

In general, I like it when guys on CL are specific about what they’re looking for.  But there’s specific and then there’s this guy.   On a website where your chances of getting a real, live woman to read your ad are slim, your chances of getting a real, live, Serbian woman who is turned on by genocidal guilt are quite likely nil.

For the record, Yebem te u pichku means, “I fuck you in the cunt” in Serbian.  Classy.

And I find it a little disturbing that the Serbian word for “cunt” looks so much like Pikachu.

Edit to update: A few hours later this was posted.  Think it’s the same guy?

More riots in Iran?

I still can’t figure out what’s up but I really believe that the election results were rigged. Too many suspicious coincidences. Like how fast those results came out. You can’t trust that.

So if you’re a Persian girl who’s torn up and needs some consolation, let me know. We could take your mind off of things tonight.
(I will say that the fact that he refers to Persian girls, when many Americans would not know that terminology makes me suspicious…bart_calendar?)

Hack up your skirt a little and show your world to me

Looking for a girl to show me the ropes! Only real people need reply!! NO SCAMMERS AND FAKES!!

Quoting Dave Matthews Band to try to get in a girl’s pants is, like, so 1997.

Misquoting Dave Matthews Band is just fail.